mrmt93: Re-read this today and after the last month or so it really resonates with me. Click the link and have a read :)
Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate JournalThis is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very…
I don’t tend to write long emotional sop on my blog but I honestly can’t be bothered saying it to a friend. I feel like I am at this really strange crossroad in my life. It’s like, I have a fairly good idea of who I am but I’m not sure whether I like it. I mean I like a lot of the aspects of what I have become and the stimuli that has shaped and moulded me but I feel like I dislike a lot more.
I like the fact I have so many friends, people that can be truly deserving of the title friend. I dislike the fact that so many people see me as a friend and nothing more, not to be desperate sounding.
I like the fact I am outgoing and strive to be the centre of attention when with friends. I dislike how I find it hard to even be myself in front of people I don’t know and whose opinions mean fuck all.
I like how I think things through, making sure ideas and goals are good and sound. I dislike how I over-think and analyse the shit out of some things, to the point where I start to see things that never were.
I like the fact that I am a nice guy. I dislike the fact that I am a nice guy.
I like the fact that I have held out and saved my virginity for someone I really and truly care about. I dislike the fact that I have not put myself out there enough socially to lose it.
I dislike that I fall for girls once they see me as a friend or have moved on. I don’t like how I still smoke and cannot seem to find the will power to quit. I hate how my mood can change from top of the world to descending into darkness in the space of 5 minutes. I hate how for the last 6 months of my life, one girl has occupied my thoughts and I am not strong enough to move on. I hate how weak I am. I hate how some days I really struggle to get out of bed and just wonder whether the day is worth moving for? I hate how I frequently break promises to myself. I guess, like all people to a degree, I hate myself.
ha.
The month you were happiest this year and why?
The month I was definitely happiest this year was the month that Irene and I sorted our shit and had a stab at a relationship. Although it was never a relationship as I have always thought of one, I had no stress and no drama in my life. Only happiness with where I was in that moment. The highlight of that month was at a mate’s 18th. I hung out with Irene the whole night and had such a fucking good night with her. I went back to a mate’s place and played pool and got a goodnight text from her and I swear it was the happiest I have gone to bed. I went to bed smiling and woke up beaming. Life was just so fucking sweet. It wasn’t just the relationship either, I was on top of my study, Ponchy’s parents were away. I was so happy. Hung with the boys every like second night. Smoked copious amounts of Trude’s produce. Drank A fuckload. Smoked plenty of cigarettes. If I had to define happiness in my life, it was that month. I had everything (but money.. haha). I definitely think it was the whole relationship that made that happen though. It cleared 2 or 3 months of confusion and being in a clouded mental state. So when it ended, of course my happiness plummeted..
Reflecting now I can only hope I will return to and better that happiness before the year is out.
Sidenote: I think this is the first time I have tackled a harder question sober. So hopefully it’s not as soppy as some of my others :)
