I don’t tend to write long emotional sop on my blog but I honestly can’t be bothered saying it to a friend. I feel like I am at this really strange crossroad in my life. It’s like, I have a fairly good idea of who I am but I’m not sure whether I like it. I mean I like a lot of the aspects of what I have become and the stimuli that has shaped and moulded me but I feel like I dislike a lot more.
I like the fact I have so many friends, people that can be truly deserving of the title friend. I dislike the fact that so many people see me as a friend and nothing more, not to be desperate sounding.
I like the fact I am outgoing and strive to be the centre of attention when with friends. I dislike how I find it hard to even be myself in front of people I don’t know and whose opinions mean fuck all.
I like how I think things through, making sure ideas and goals are good and sound. I dislike how I over-think and analyse the shit out of some things, to the point where I start to see things that never were.
I like the fact that I am a nice guy. I dislike the fact that I am a nice guy.
I like the fact that I have held out and saved my virginity for someone I really and truly care about. I dislike the fact that I have not put myself out there enough socially to lose it.
I dislike that I fall for girls once they see me as a friend or have moved on. I don’t like how I still smoke and cannot seem to find the will power to quit. I hate how my mood can change from top of the world to descending into darkness in the space of 5 minutes. I hate how for the last 6 months of my life, one girl has occupied my thoughts and I am not strong enough to move on. I hate how weak I am. I hate how some days I really struggle to get out of bed and just wonder whether the day is worth moving for? I hate how I frequently break promises to myself. I guess, like all people to a degree, I hate myself.
The month you were happiest this year and why?
The month I was definitely happiest this year was the month that Irene and I sorted our shit and had a stab at a relationship. Although it was never a relationship as I have always thought of one, I had no stress and no drama in my life. Only happiness with where I was in that moment. The highlight of that month was at a mate’s 18th. I hung out with Irene the whole night and had such a fucking good night with her. I went back to a mate’s place and played pool and got a goodnight text from her and I swear it was the happiest I have gone to bed. I went to bed smiling and woke up beaming. Life was just so fucking sweet. It wasn’t just the relationship either, I was on top of my study, Ponchy’s parents were away. I was so happy. Hung with the boys every like second night. Smoked copious amounts of Trude’s produce. Drank A fuckload. Smoked plenty of cigarettes. If I had to define happiness in my life, it was that month. I had everything (but money.. haha). I definitely think it was the whole relationship that made that happen though. It cleared 2 or 3 months of confusion and being in a clouded mental state. So when it ended, of course my happiness plummeted..
Reflecting now I can only hope I will return to and better that happiness before the year is out.
Sidenote: I think this is the first time I have tackled a harder question sober. So hopefully it’s not as soppy as some of my others :)